Through pain comes peace

16 May

Day 16: Something difficult about your “lot in life” and how you’re working to overcome it.

Halfway there…ohhhhhh…Livin’ on a Prayer…

Okay enough singing time now it’s business time. And when I say business time I mean posting time. I am feeling the same way as Jenni about this post topic (gain weight in the butt comment and all!). It is difficult to feel nothing but true blessings for the life I am living. Although yes my life is not always sunshine and rainbows there is just too much love and happiness to feel anything but thankfulness for the life I have been given. Sure I wish I didn’t have to think about my weight as much or have my finances dictate our next step in life or the million other silly things that run through my head. That is the thing though because they are all just that-silly. At least for the most part they are just silly struggles of mine and not true hard times.

So I was having trouble with this post because the only “lot in life” I have is also the most personal struggle for me (trust me I searched in my mind for days for a surface level one and kept coming back to this). It is hard question to answer without sharing too much and I am not ready to share all the details so bare with me through this somewhat vague post. I also feel that although its a personal struggle it doesn’t hold me back from loving, giving, laughing, and being my usual awesome self.

The only true thing I have had to overcome is that my parents divorced-twice. Millions do it nowadays and so its not an uncommon “lot in life” and thankfully the stigma is gone so that helps as I was not ridiculed for a decision that I didn’t get to decide upon. But even though millions go through the pain it doesn’t lessen my own pain or hurt from the experience. My story is a little different as they divorced twice, but the final divorce hurt the most. It wasn’t the divorce that I had to overcome (that was over in a year) it was actually the destruction that the divorce left in its path. Selfishly I was in a time in my life when it was really all about me (oh the college years). I thought a lot about what this was going to do to me and less time thinking how it would shape our family dynamic once everything was over. Something I wish I could go back and change for the sake of my sister still living at home at the time. It wasn’t just the divorce and all the bitter words said to each other and through us kids (although yea that sucked). I think the part that makes it my “lot in life” is how because of the divorce a good number of my relationships with family changed in my life and one important person, my father, decided to leave my life altogether post-divorce. Up and quit our relationship as if it meant nothing and was easy to do in one final email. The loss of my father and the change in other relationships ran deep in my thoughts and heart for many years. It impacted decisions I have made in my life through the years and left me with a good amount of heartache. I struggled because through the loss of this one person I had gained some amazing people in my life. Some people who are not blood relatives, but who I call close family. Hard to grapple with a huge loss and a huge gain all in the matter of months. There have been many milestones missed, birthdays forgotten, calls left for a voicemail to pick up, moments not shared together, and children being born. Almost a decade lost between us.

I will say that slowly I am healing from this “lot in life” and that I have shown a new forgiveness I didn’t think possible since my daughter. There is hope, awkwardness, cautiousness, and a new meaning of what a family looks like since the birth of my daughter. Being a mom changed me in so many ways and this was one of the big changes. Life is too short and too precious to hold onto grudges, pain and even emails that should have been deleted years ago. So many people have helped me through the years in venting, giving advice, just listening, giving a shoulder to cry on, and most importantly a sense of not being the only one and a sense of self-worth. I’m thankful for these people everyday who cared about me through my struggles. I am also truly blessed that my daughter is helping me take it one step further and helping me understand that I need to forge ahead and heal rather than just live with the pain and hurt. It is work though and it does take time and patience, but the biggest thing is that I am trying to be more open and understanding. I am trying to learn from mistakes and push through the pain. It does take actual work to get through struggles-it was much easier to avoid and push away. It has been long enough and I don’t want this pain and hurt to be felt through Lexi or my family in any way. Getting some peace for myself and my family is worth the work.

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Self-timer awesomeness with family!

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