Archive | September, 2013

Letter to my readers

19 Sep

Dear Awesome Blog Readers,

So for a solid month I have been trying to write this post.  The words allude me a bit, but then last night I read this great blog post and I was really drawn to so much that this blogger was trying to say.  What I have been trying to say for a long time.  It is titled I do everything poorly.

The synopsis is about work-life-balance and how at work if you are doing a great job you feel like you are failing as a mother and vice versa. It talks about on top of feeling that at work or as a mother she feels poorly  it increases when she thinks about managing her household. So if she is feeling good about balance of work and family there is always laundry to make her feel she is doing something poorly.   IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS WRITING ABOUT MY LIFE.  

Now this isn’t a woe is me post or a wish I was in different circumstances post –it is a honest post of where I am at in my life and the very reason why this blog has crumbled into blogs posts scattered here and there. About 2 months ago I wrote about the big changes in our family and at the end of the post alluded to the fact that we were all adjusting well and getting into a routine. I just have to laugh so hard looking back at that post because the hubs was commuting like a maniac for months, we ate out on the daily, we didn’t take any time for ourselves outside of being a mom & dad, it felt like one big hamster wheel each day, and our house was in disarray.  I called this routine? Adapting? Adjusted? I must have been living in fairy la la land while I wrote this post because our lives this summer were a hot mess.  Then a month later I wrote a post thinking the reason I came to this blog less and less was because of writer’s block.  Maybe part of it was writer’s block, but I think a ton of it had to do with this feeling of doing everything poorly (including my blog) and so I just shyed away from writing because I felt another ball up in the air would make the whole system crash (aka me).  I started to wonder if adding the “ball” of blogging was worthwhile to me anymore on my to do list.  I didn’t really have an answer for this for a long time.

I have loved this blog to come and share my thoughts and feelings and a space to call my own.  I have loved the blogs I have found along the way while I blogged.  I have loved the community of bloggers since before I was married and had a child.  I loved my time on both WordPress and Tumblr.  I have loved it all.  Until recently when blogging started to feel like a task rather than a creative outlet.  I started to feel guilty about my time away from my blog and as I spoke earlier I have enough work-life balance guilt that additional blog guilt seemed unnecessary so I just stayed away.  Part of me still feels like I have so much to say, but if I am being honest if it takes me a month to sit down and write one post then my life as a blogger is starting to come to an end.  My heart aches with writing it and I truly hate goodbyes, but this blog post is starting to feel like a goodbye.  A big part of me has resisted this goodbye because as a mom you can lose your identity with motherhood and I wanted to keep this blog because writing on it made me happy.  This blog was about something I loved, but as the months have passed I have started to realize it has been less and less for me and has less and less to do with my identity.  I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I feel after 4+ years a piece of my life is coming to an end and as much for others I need this closure as well. I don’t want to be one of those bloggers who just fades off into the sunset and you wonder will she be back? Will she update? Should I take her off my feedly?  I HATE THAT!  But the truth is I don’t know. Maybe?  Because so many changes have happened in my life over the past 3 months I feel that I want to take some time before I shut down my blog because what if I feel differently in a few months? I would love to give some updates, but I don’t know how I will feel releasing myself from the task of blogging and just have the feeling of blog if I want. Don’t blog if I want.  I will come back with a decision though and share with you all, but right now saying goodbye feels like the right choice for me.

At the moment my life consists of finding balance, trying to feel less guilty of my short comings, having fun with my family and friends, taking time for myself (baths again! haircut again! pictures again!), getting life organized, celebrating births and weddings, together our family getting meals on the table consistently, swim class with my baby girl, beginnings of potty training perhaps, getting fit, books and season premieres of my favorite shows, and overall maintenance of our/my life.  Just like fitting the gym into my life in the past I would say I have too much on plate and say there is no room for me to find time for fitness, but funny thing is now that I have made it a priority I have easily found the time.  I have made the choice to have it be a priority for me.  Same goes for blogging.  Even at my busiest I always found time for this blog because I made the choice to choose writing over other things in my life.  Right now it feels good to choose other things in my life over this blog. Things that will directly impact both me and my family.

For those who have followed this blog from beginning, middle, or end–thank you thank you.  I found so much joy in this blog and one day when my child is older I hope to show her these 4 years of my life viewed from the lens of this blog.  Should be a hilarious moment one day.  One of the hard parts of this decision is that this blog is truly a time capsule of my life and it will be sad for it to end, but I am sure I will find a new way to share my story.  Thanks for being part of my story for all these years…

Much Love,

C